Me: So if a bunch of people have infections do you guys have a staph meeting?
Doctor: I’m going to give you a shot to help me relax
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I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
– Fred, Velma, Shaggy… Can you name one of the ‘Big 5’ African animals?
– Rhino
– We know you do, Scooby, but it’s not your team’s turn
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
*pets your eyebrows*
there, there caterpillar; everything will be ok
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
My 4 year old walks around the house with a walkie talkie clipped on his pants like he’s here installing high speed internet.
[leaning over bathroom sink]
Me: *clips fingernail*
Fingernail: *lands in Italy*
Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
me waiting on an email: what the hell is taking so long, this is ridiculous
me, sending an email: this can probably wait another three weeks or so
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
Turns out there isn’t a single sexy explanation for having a fork in your bed.
When a guy wearing cargo pants hits on me I’m tempted to go out with him just to see how many of my belongings I can fit into his pockets.
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Me: [sees bath water is bright yellow] I thought we ran out of those colored bath tablets.
Son #2: [in bath] We did.
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
(driving in a bad neighborhood)
me: *slowly locks my door*
murderer in backseat: *slowly locks their door*
Romeo: …arise fair sun, and kill the envious moon
*Romeo slides an envelope of money over*
Romeo: *whispers* make it look like an accident
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Penguin 1: [staring sadly out of plane window]
Penguin 2: [supportively puts a flipper on his shoulder] there’s no shame in arriving at the annual bird convention by plane, Colin
Liven up your gym routine by screaming “Jane! Stop this crazy thing!” while on the treadmill.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
If you reply with “sky” each time I ask what’s up, I shall assume you’re homeless.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
Trying to figure out the exact number of food pieces that need to be in water to make it go from being gross to being soup.