I hate when I see the moon during the day. Go to bed dude.
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A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
One of the things I love to do is wait to go to the doctor until I’ve done enough research to tell him what’s wrong with me.
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
I listen to a lot of white noise, so I get really excited when it rains or someone turns on a fan. It’s like seeing my favourite band live.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
I’m not upset that you stopped my sneeze. I’m upset because you made my face look stupid for no reason.
My friend is a meteorologist so when he wants to hang out I tell him there’s a 100% chance I’ll be there and then I don’t show up.
When life gives you chlamydia, make lemon chlamydia?
i’m gonna make some couscous with garlic and olive oil. that’s right. couscous. the food so nice they named it twice
Me: was the “also” because the sun SETS or because the MOON rises?
Hemingway: couldn’t you have picked someone living to have dinner with
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Ironically, I hate people who say “like us on Facebook”.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
Me: I’m really struggling with this potty training.
Friend: How old is your kid?
Me: Kid?
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….
My sweet-as-can-be daughter who’s never even once gotten in trouble listens to podcasts about serial killers to relax, if you’re wondering about the healthy home environment I’ve provided.
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
I shaved my eyebrows off so I could become a successful poker player
*first day as a getaway driver*
Me: Hey does anybody want anything from the drive-through?
Did you know statistically you’re more likely to be killed by a coconut falling from a tree than by a coconut stabbing you with a breadknife
A charcuterie board is just dry soup
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
o shit
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
I always say I’ll sleep when I’m dead, but I’m pretty sure I’ll still find a way to stay up late.