The Onion called it…again.
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flight attendant: sir, are you raising your hand
me: how do i access the wifi
fa: im doing safety announcements
me: is that lowercase
I hit a pothole so hard the woman on the radio bit her tongue
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
I’ve accidentally called someone on IG messenger before and my reaction was the same as if I had just been caught shoplifting.
My mom sometimes texts me pictures of Buddha or a nature scene with an inspirational message like,
“Be kind to others, Evil Lisa.”
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
Oh, so when other ppl call their pets “fur baby” its fine but when I call a kid a “skin dog” somehow I’m “disgusting” and “the worst pediatrician in this hospital”??
“There Will Be Blood” is my favorite movie that answers the question, “Will blood be there?”
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Co-worker: Do you have any invisible tape?
Me: You’ll have to feel around in the supply cabinet.
*Magneto flapping his wrist frantically, trying to shake loose a fork stuck to his hand*
Me: stop barking at the nice person who is delivering pizza to us!
Also me: you didn’t even notice that the pizza guy was here?! He could have murdered us!
Me: being able to see yourself in others is what it means to be human
Captcha:
When you think your man is being romantic but really he just doesn’t have electricity.
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
DUI checkpoint cop: sir, have u been drinking tonight
me: define sir
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.