Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
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Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Which cellphone carrier drops the most calls? I need to get one for my mom.
A woman at work told me I had great energy which is entirely plausible as I just ate a lithium battery.
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.#1PUN
I was swindled; step-counting doesn’t include when my memory is jogged
Parents that need to reheat coffee are adorable.
Hardened parents will chug it cold, or chew straight up coffee grounds; they’re desperate.
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
[furious with son]
wife: what happened?
me: he talks back to me and is insulting me in Spanish
[son from room] yolo isn’t spanish
me: ya see
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Mitt Romney dissing Trump is like when an anime villain from the previous arc teams up to help stop the new billion times more evil villain
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
I was watching a YouTube video of a cat jumping whenever a metronome clicked. I thought, “You know the sound is coming! How does it keep startling you?” And then my toast popped up and scared the shit out of me.
Getting my 6yo from a playdate today:
6: “Bye! Thank you! You need to wash your hair!”
Friend’s mom (laughing): “I do?”
6: “Yeah, it’s black near your head!”
Friend’s mom (still laughing, thank god): “Oh honey, those are just my roots.”
Me, dying 1,000 deaths: “Time to go!”
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
Buying little gold star stickers so when people I’m speaking with say things I like I’ll stick one on their forehead.
Good cop: you two could go away for six years each for this
Add cop: for a total of twelve years between you
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
physically I’m in this realm but spiritually I’m running through halls in a silk robe wondering where to hide my rich dead husband
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: I consider myself a pretty easygoing guy
Also me: *gets angry about the size of box amazon uses*
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
Writing Tip: Learn the letters. YES all of them. Regardless of what you write they’ll come in handy. Try experimenting w/ diff combinations.