God: you’re very small.
Ant: ok.
God: but really strong.
Ant: how strong?
God: you can-
Ant: can I lift a piano?
God: well-no.
Ant: can I lift a car?
God: no.
Ant: can I lift a-
God: you can lift a leaf.
Ant: [visibly upset] but everyone can do that.
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A jiffy is 1/100th of a second. No one has ever been back in a jiffy.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd
Me: No!
Cake: You weren’t so shy the other night.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
Mall Cop: The guy from Jersey Shore stole a spray tan kit. He’s running up the escalator.
[static]
MC: THE SITUATION IS ESCALATING RAPIDLY
Cop: Suspect located, we’re in hot pursuit
Me: *rolling down window* I THINK YOU’RE CUTE TOO!
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times and I’m not sure if the shame alternates or if it’s still me.
Bedroom notes:
Whipped cream – Yes
Sriracha – No
Gently puts my “faith in humanity” in a bag of rice.
Today I worked from home, ran 10 miles, homeschooled my kids, cleaned the house, made a delicious dinner, and got my kids to bed early. It’s amazing what you can accomplish when you lie.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
*raises the last pack of toilet paper to the sky like Simba*
*paying $40 to go into a haunted house*
finally a peaceful refuge to get away from how scary the world is right now
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Wife: Did you give the kids a bath?
Me: I got the dirt off.
Wife: What does that mean?
Me: *hides the leaf blower*
WIFE: *filing for divorce*
ME: Are you mad at me?
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
Some dude called me a nerd so I hit him with my Quidditch broom
[getting arrested for passing out drunk while driving] “oh, so now it’s illegal to take a nap?”
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
the worst part of homeschooling is when my kid shoves me into a locker in front of all the cheerleaders