Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
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My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
waiter: how was your roast duck sir
me: fine, i’ll take the bill now
waiter: sorry sir but we don’t serve that part
me: no no, i need to pay
waiter: your hair looks fine to me sir
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
the reason wordle only does one word per day is so you can spend the rest of your day talking about wordle
[2 months into relationship]
HER: you’ve changed
ME: [proudly] showered, too
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
I can’t grow a hair on my head but overnight I can grow a four inch long single eyebrow hair
My resume is just an old VHS tape of the “Life Goes On” episode where Corky lip syncs “Fight the Power” for his school’s talent show.
me: goth goose. gothic goose. goosic. no wait… gooth
teacher: it’s already called a vulture
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Reasons why my toddlers cried this week-
-I put a pillow back on the couch
-Our dog drank from her water bowl
-My wife took a shower
-I gave them the wrong color cups
-I asked them to not throw things at the wall
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
I think I want to be a ballerina. Or a fire dancer. Or I want to set a ballerina on fire. I don’t know. I’m still working it out.
My mother-in-law asks my wife to help colour her hair. I make a joke about assisted dyeing and they both stare at me. Tough crowd.
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
About two weeks ago @funTweeters used one of my tweets on their website. My mom still has that tweet on the refrigerator.
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
her: did you know Weezer covered Africa
me: [impressed] with what
wife: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i’m a chameleon
wife: no you’re not
me: I can change I swear
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
HANNIBAL: thanks for coming over for dinner
HALF-EATEN CANADIAN: thanks for having me
Hornets: they’re terrified of us. Our name is fine.
Murder Hornets: ok boomer
I used to think chiropractors were useless till I had back problems… Now, I stand corrected.
Whales accidentally eat 8 people in their sleep every year
[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
Do you ever really know if your bagpipe is in tune?
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*