I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
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“It’s a girl!” but it’s just my family finding out that our dog is not a boy like we thought for the last two months.
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
Get pissed all you want but if we brought a screaming baby into your workplace you would ask us to leave it outside too.
Everyone seems so happy for you until they realize your baby carrier is just filled with mozzarella sticks.
her: i love croissants
me: *trying to impress* i’m flaky too
ME: “I don’t want to talk about it it’s too long of a story I’m exhausted and I’m over it”
ALSO ME ONE HOUR LATER: “Oh that’s not even the craziest part listen to this shit”
If you buy something with a lifetime warranty and it breaks, the manufacturer will send a hitman to your house.
At this point, the only thing longer than 2020 is the story which my 7YO is narrating
Where is your GOD now????
“My great-grandma went to jail for making moonshine” was probably not the family history topic my son’s teacher expected.
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
If looks could kill
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
if i ever call you “my love” “my darling” “my dear” please know that i dont mean it in a romantic way i mean it in a dracula way
In a world of sugar daddies, be a pasta uncle. (I don’t know what this means, I just really want pasta right now.)
if you have flat coke lying around in the kitchen, do not trash it, you can make a coke casserole. very simple recipe. here it is.
1. add tbsp. wow you’re still reading this.
2. maybe it’s time to logout, champ.
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Superheroes come from broken homes & inattentive parents.
Parents, stop hugging your kids. We need a Batman.
Me: Excuse me waiter, my fish is ice cold
Waiter [who is a penguin]: *eats the fish*
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.