I once challenged Snoop Dogg to a rap battle and the loser had to change their name.
You Might Also Like
Said the murderer.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Wife: Who is the prettiest of my friends?
Me: your mother, why?
W: Stop acting like you’re 12.
M: (thinking) I dodged that bullet again.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
Me: so you want me to buy all the presents.
Santa: yes.
Me: put them together?
Santa: yep.
Me: wrap them up?
Santa: that’s right.
Me: and then tell my kids you got the presents for them?
Santa:
Me:
Santa: I mean when you say it like that it sounds bad.
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
Me to a friend: *complains for ten straight minutes without taking in a breath* but I really can’t complain
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
7 brought me breakfast in bed, which in theory was super sweet, except in reality it was a poptart at 4am.
I just saw a guy put a hamburger between 2 pancakes so I proposed on the spot and he just said “no” so he’s obviously the smartest man alive
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
Me: where did you get those blood soaked tea bags?
Dracula: I had to pull some strings
My creepy neighbour asked me if I think he’s creepy. The fact that he asked through my bathroom window after my shower just made it awkward
Kids are the worst CIA agents. I KNOW WATERBOARDING SUCKS KATIE BUT YOU CAN’T TELL THE TALIBAN EVERYTHING FOR A CAPRI SUN YOU IDIOT
interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years?
me: [seeing myself living in the woods, consumed by my own fears, writing a surreal manifesto] in marketing
Planning on buying my daughter a Volvo so she’s safe but with a mismatched door so she gets the struggle.
dating apps aren’t working so it’s time to look confused in a local bookstore
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
I’m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out.
We are going to watch tv.
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
It’s Tuesday already? Time to sacrifice another intern to X’sel, Demon Lord of Accounts Receivable. Bless my spreadsheets, oh dark one!
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
Him: I have successfully bred the first bald porcupine
Me: How pointless
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
If by “morning person” you mean I wake up at 4 am staring into the inky blackness imagining horrific outcomes then yes I’m a morning person.
Intro to salsa class was weird, I starved myself all day, there was no chips or dips and then these weirdo’s were all grabby and dancing around