*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
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Googles discreet, motion-activated cameras so I can finally figure out who is drinking directly from the milk carton.
If we put aside our differences and work together, I truly believe we can come up with a few more alternate spellings of the name Britney.
People say I have the legs of a dancer. But until they find the rest of the body, the cops have nothing on me, man!
Credit card company: Sir, you have an outstanding balance.
Me: Thanks. I do yoga.
Kids will take 47 minutes to put on their socks and shoes then want someone to time them to see if they can take a bath and brush their teeth in 90 seconds.
I was up way earlier than normal and I couldn’t find my cat. I walked around the neighborhood and found him being fed by a lady a few houses down. She had a different name for him and everything. He’s been living a double life. I feel so betrayed.
Me: The cat left us a dead bird again
Her: He thinks he’s giving us a present
Me: No, the arrogant SOB thinks we’re too feeble to hunt for ourselves *jumps five feet straight up and snatches a squirrel off a branch*
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Popeye: Whys you we’rin glasses? A-gah-gah-gah
Brutus: Doc says I need em bad
Olive: Hiya fellas
Brutus: *jumps back* THAT’S HOW YOU LOOK?
(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u
rooster: sorry totally overslept lol you weren’t late for anything important were you
fourth wiseman:
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
Interviewer: Do you plan on having children?
Me: I have four, why start now?
[Live recording of The Oprah Winfrey Show]
Oprah: *excitedly pointing at audience members* You get a car, you get a car and you get a car, *looks me squarely in the eye* not you… *resumes* you get a car, you get a car…
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
I just couldn’t get into “The walking dead”. It was far too unrealistic and fake for me. I mean, come on, an Asian guy named Glenn???
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but America literally invented pizza and pasta. Italy is now trying to appropriate our culture and I won’t stand for it. Last I checked Little Caesars is headquartered in Detroit, not Davos.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
My wife and I play this fun game at home where one of us says, “Could you watch the kids for a minute?” and runs.
ME: Thanks for all you did man. It’s because of people like you, we have our freedom.
HIM: Again, I’m a veterinarian.
Woke up to find my cat and Nicolas Cage in my living room with a stolen Declaration of Independence, lemon juice, and a blow dryer.
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I can’t imagine the things this hotel air conditioner has seen.
Me: Alexa, did you hear what Siri just said about you?!
Alexa: Hold my beer!!!
ME: what language is this
BING: croatian
ME: nice what does it say
BING: how the heck would I know
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳