If the sun is so hot how come it’s single
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I wish people would move over a bit in their selfies. We’re redecorating a bathroom and looking for ideas.
$6 for two cookies at the farmer’s market.
They better have been made using organic free range children’s tears.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Instead of a promise ring, I wear an onion ring
I’m saving my appetite for something pure
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Hey guys, remember when you could still refer to your knees as right and left instead of good and bad? Good times.
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
Hear me out. If Batman is canonically about 32 then he was born in 1986. And if his parents were killed leaving a movie theater when he was ten years old, then there is a very real possibility
that they were seeing Space Jam.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
Women hate it when you call them ma’am or sleep with their friends.
4-year-old: *sees a kid in the store* She goes to my daycare! She’s my best friend in the world!
Me: What’s her name?
4: I don’t remember.
Me: puts butter on banana bread
Also me: blames weight on aging
I know I’m getting older because I need more and more help from my teen to complete the People magazine crossword puzzle.
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Beer: When are you coming home.
Me: Right away honey.See. Marriage works. Just choose the right wife.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
Indicating that you’re an organ donor on your drivers license is cool and all but I would also like to indicate that I consent to being on a true crime show in the event of my gruesome murder
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
[Jr. Biology class, girls in jumpsuits burst in]
OK, who’s ready for fun? We’re The Photosynthesisters & we’re gonna talk 2 U about PLANTS!
Me: [uncontrollable sobbing] I can’t see you anymore. I won’t let you hurt me again.
Trainer: It was a sit-up. You did 1 sit-up.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
Me, not making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Me, making eye contact: Oh shit, I’m being weird.
Mid-flight turbulence is just god’s way of preforming confessions at scale
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
Ladies, the day after Halloween don’t forget to buy all the discounted blood capsules to keep in your mouth for when men tell you to smile.
Me: will the kids ever be on time to school?
Magic 8 Ball: *laughs hysterically*