The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
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Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m like if Lady Godiva rode in naked on a ” My Little Pony” …
ME: Tell me your weaknesses.
INTERVIEWER: um I’m interviewing you!
M: *writes ‘hostile’*
I: What’s that say?
M: *writes ‘overly suspicious’*
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
“Always wear a pretty bra. The worst case is nobody sees it.”
~ Not an old Irish proverb
“What are these markings on the map?”
“They’re hill areas”
“Yeah they’re very funny, but what do they mean?”
God: you’re a dog.
Dog: what does that mean?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: what did you say?
God: it means you’re a good boy.
Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.
God: you have perfect hearing.
Dog:
God:
Dog:
God: you’re a good boy.
Dog: [tail wag] : )
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
me, as a zookeeper: i’m late for my sister’s wedding and i have a stain on my tux
penguin: [makes whatever noise a penguin makes]
me: no braden, thanks for the offer but we’re not the same size
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
Is it “raymen” noodles or “rawmun” noodles? I don’t wanna sound stupid when asking the gas station clerk for a wine to complement my dinner.
My job sucks but it pays the bills.
Too bad I can’t say the same things about my boyfriend.
[me at my dumbest texting my friend]: u left your phone at my house
Person who is about to invent the coffee mug: Ouch! This coffee cup is too hot to pick up!
Boss: I don’t have time for this. Handle it.
Whenever someone asks me “ what do your tattoos mean?” I just say “garlic bread” . The end.
Welcome to adulthood.
You have a favorite brand of pain reliever now.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
If they handed out awards for peeling a hard boiled egg with grace, I would get absolutely nothing.
*on a 1st date*
Her:..and I have 3 cats
Me: Swipe left
H: Did you say “swipe left”?!
M:
H:
M: *panicked whisper* swipeleftswipeleftswipeleft
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Dear Neighbours,
“She’s coming” isn’t a great warning to give when I walk by and you stop talking.
“This is BULLSHIT” – enthusiastic manure salesman
4 made me pay 50 million to watch her gymnastics show then she did a roly poly, kicked me in the face and yelled at me for sitting too close do not recommend
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
The most romantic restaurant in the world is not as dimly lit as the operating room on a TV medical drama.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors