I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
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Him: Let’s go out tonight.
Me: It’s a work night and very late.
Him: It’s 5:00PM on a Friday.
Me: I’M EXHAUSTED. WHY CAN’T YOU HAVE AN AFFAIR LIKE MY FRIEND’S HUSBANDS?
Genie: you get three wishes
Dog: I wish I was inside
Genie: two wishes
Dog: I wish I was outside
Genie: one wish
Dog:
Genie:
Dog: I wish I was inside
It may look like I’m eating an entire jumbo bag of M&Ms all by myself but, if you look closely, I’m really in training to be a piñata.
[hand sensing faucet factory]
Worker: sir, we are ready to load the hand recognition software
Boss: ok great but *shows picture of me* make sure it doesn’t work for this guy
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
Me: The new guy’s a lumberjack?
Boss: Yep
Me: He seems nice…
Boss: STOP
Me: I’ll bet he’s good at…
Boss: DONT
Me: random axe of kindness
I am no longer hungry. Nor is, I assume, the cicada I have just discovered crushed into the tread of my sneakers.
[hospital]
me: what happened
doctor: you were in a terrible car accident
me: am i going to be ok
doctor: yes, thankfully the force of the impact was absorbed by the stack of airbag recall notices on your dashboard
Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
I should get paid a lot more for being the boss of me
Just choking her is overrated. Fill the bed up with legos and choke slam her into the bed.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
ME: I think I have coronavirus, every morning I wake up aching and sick. It usually goes away by the afternoon, but the next day same thing.
FRIEND: It’s a hangover. You’re drinking 2 bottles of wine a night in quarantine.
ME: My God… wine causes the coronavirus!
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
My family has that exceptional ability to make a root canal seem pleasant.
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
I wish there was a way to keep in touch with dogs I meet outside of grocery stores.
High definition is like regular definition but it’s slightly paranoid and working on its second bag of Doritos.
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Things I have in common with an avocado:
-If I’m just on my own I’m pretty bland
-I swing drastically and unpredictably from too hard to too soft
-I’m pleasant for only a very brief window of time
-I’m often found with chips