When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
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who called them poets and not rhyme machines?
Well thank you auto correct for changing “I wish you were here” to “I wish you were her”. I didn’t wanna have sex anyways.
A soulmate who doesn’t complete your sentences for you
That shit is annoying.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
*middle of a 6 hour road trip,
One 8 year old twin says to the other: “Id roast you, but Mom said I’m not allowed to burn trash.”
Tonight I’m going to be naughty and tie my man to the bed. Then I’ll make him watch a Golden Girls marathon while I eat the left over pizza.
The thought of two people colliding mid air while looking at their phones is the main reason I wish that humans could fly.
Game of Thrones is exciting, but I think it’s important to remember that these people are fighting over a chair
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
“Alexa, yell at my kids to behave every 7 minutes. I’m headed to the bar.”
So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
Me: I wish for a lightsaber.
Genie: Be realistic.
Me: Ok, I wish for a boyfriend.
Genie: Would you like your lightsaber in blue or green?
I don’t cook, I more so… Dabble in the kitchen 😏
– me flirting
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Listerine, for when you feel like killing all 10,000 taste buds at once.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
As my kid gets older he goes to bed later, which means he hangs out longer, which means *I* have to stay up later to get my alone time, which means by the time he’s 13, I’ll be going to bed at sunrise.
Bully gets me in a headlock not realizing my entire head is pre-slathered in fish oil and I just slip right out! The janitor chants my name.
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
Wife said “these kids are leaving the lights on” so looks like I have some competition in the dad department.
Not even remotely sorry.
And when I looked back, there were no footprints in the sand at all. What kind of beach are you running here?
Welcome to your 40s, the kiddos finally let you sleep in but your bladder won’t allow it.
I truly believe my daughter can be anything she wants to be but after seeing how she plays with mr potato head I really hope that isn’t a doctor
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