I bring our baby to the bar so I can throw her at people and slurp down their cocktails while they’re trying to catch her.
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them: it’s carl with a K
me: oh ok hi cark
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
*out for dinner with friends*
Me: I’m going to need 5 desserts and 1 spoon.
Waiter: Don’t you mean 1 dessert and 5 spoons?
Me: You heard me.
*see Shawshank on TV guide*
Wife: Don’t do it
*picks up remote*
W: I said don’t do it
*turns TV to Shawshank*
W: YOUVE SEEN IT 90 TIMES
[My funeral]
Friend 1: So how did he die?
Friend 2: Mistaken identity
F1: What happened?
F2: He mistook himself for someone who could outrun a freight train
Who called it an allergist and not an antisneeziologist?
MY NECK. MY BACK. MY PJ’S AND MY SNACK.
If a shark attacks you, DO NOT punch him in the nose. Be the bigger person and just ignore him.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Just installed the iOS 9 update and I’ve already noticed a significant increase in my phone’s battery life! This is aweso
I just killed two birds with one stone and my next door neighbor looks horrified.
My Kid: what was your favorite part of the day?
Me: that moment at about 8:30 this morning when my second cup of coffee hit me, and I could understand what you kids were saying through all your screaming.
Kid: huh?
Me: I said, when we went to the park.
Boss: Are you drinking at your desk?
Me: Yes, because it’s too hot outside.
“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
[pet store]
Um hi can I have 4 turtles & 1 rat
Clerk: hah trying to make ur own ninja turtles dude
Me:*hiding miniature sai and katana* n no
ME: what’s wrong girl?
LASSIE: *barking and pointing at baby that fell down a well*
ME: yes, babies ARE stupid
As a married man, it’s hard for me to fall asleep after having sex. Because I have to drive home.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
[one tweet gets 10 likes]
me: ok i gotta be careful now about what i put on my timeline. i have a successful brand to protect.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
Things that alarm my 5yo
Defcon 3: My 5yo is sick
Defcon 4: My 5yo is hurt
Defcon 5: My 5yo found a piece of tomato peel in her marinara sauce
Y’all ever flex on vampires by just walking into people’s homes uninvited
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
Sheryl Crow: This ain’t no disco. This ain’t no country club either.
Sheryl Crow – The world’s worst archaeologist.
Apple Computer is taking steps to
protect user privacy.Their new policy is iWon’t tell…iPromise
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
You’re born, you grow up, have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive, you die, your kids have kids, Mick Jagger is still alive……
Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough
[aliens invading our home]
Wife: TAKE OFF YOUR SHOES, I JUST VACUUMED
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”