This time of year, I grab weeds while I’m walking my dog and weave them into little wreaths that I leave around the neighborhood… specifically because there is a woman on Next Door who is furious because she thinks they are signs of witchcraft. I encourage you to do the same.
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Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
I can never eat just one Christmas ornament
same energy
Being almost 50 is great bc when coworkers ask you about social media you can wave them off like you don’t understand what any of that is. You can try this about spreadsheets too but they’ll get mad and tell your bigger boss.
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
No point crayon over spilled milk.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Calm down! I’m not officially late until I actually get there.
[Buys a popcorn and cola combo at the movies]
My Financial Advisor:
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
her: *opening valentine’s day gift* are these abacus beads?
me: it’s the little things that count
Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I don’t know who this Rorschach guy is, but he sure likes drawing pictures of my parents not being proud of me!
How late at night does it have to be before you can call it a snack and not another meal?
“What if it makes me look stupid,” she said redundantly.
[400 pages into a fantasy book] ok there is no way this is real
“Can’t Take My Eyes Off You” by Frankie Valli can come on and I’m all about it, singing that horn section and getting real loud I LOVE YOU BABY AND IF IT’S QUITE ALRIGHT I NEED YOU BABY.. u do that too don’t lie
I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
Batman: Why so down?
Aquaman: People think I’m not a real superhero. I’m tired of being walked all over.
*[Jesus enters]
Aquaman: Dammit!
what’s more important?
fourth time’s the charm
i wish all
whales
a very
big
You won’t find his name in the history books, but my dad piloted many of NASA’s early experimental cafeteria test salad programs—a number of which introduced some pretty radical salad-propulsion designs for the time.
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.