thanksgiving is canceled? you mean I have to wait until next year for my family to get together and roast me mercilessly?
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Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My new oil business is a nonprofit but only because I’m not making any money and just buying yachts.
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
I’m pretty terrified of the possibility that you guys might crawl out of my phone like that girl in The Ring.
The downfall of society can be traced to when they stopped counting ketchup as a vegetable in school lunches.
ME: *scattering remains* He loved this park.
PARK RANGER: But…but he hasn’t been cremated!
ME: *lowering axe* Cremated?
48 hr deodorant only lasts 8 hours. Welcome to my TED Talk.
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
4yo: Do you want to play pretend?
Me: I already am.
4yo: What pretend?
Me: Shh, you’re not here.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
This painting is titled ‘Mondays? Amirite?’
me: I’m going to kill the moon
dude: the moon is flat
me: I’m going to kill the moon and flat-mooners
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Just went to Walgreens & they’re a bunch of liars. Their walls were more of a beige color. I’m suing.
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
One of Santas reindeer served in the army with Tina Turner. Back then he was known as Private Dancer.
if something “takes the cake” that’s on you for not guarding said cake appropriately
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
They’ve let the kids out of school in advance of the bad weather so it’s our duty as adults to nod & greet one another in town with “Storm’s comin.”
[boss closing his door] I’m glad you enjoyed your trip down south but [the beads in my braids clack together as I turn] but what
Idk why this guy is alway bitching about his wife, she seems great. When I ate his lunch today the”I love u”note she left him made me smile.
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
“I will NEVER forget that one time you wrote a word in all caps”
-my phone
I told the bartender, “surprise me,” and he gave me ice water.
Any cults got something wild planned for the eclipse? I’m trying to find the good estate sales.
The Weeknd is Canadian, he should be adding letters to his name not removing them
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call