*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
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Wife: I finally caught you. I could hear it from the other room. You were watching a dirty movie. Me: No. Its just womens tennis.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Beware of fowl play.
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
HER:He doesn’t trust me.
THERAPIST:How so?
HER:He’s always spying on me.
ME (dressed as Therapist):Really?
THERAPIST:WTF
HER:WTF
ME:WTF
Kids: We’re hungry!
M: Dinner when mum gets home
K: She’s away for a week
M: OK, when I’m done tweeting
K: (sigh) we’ll wait for mum…
you can basically just make up facts as long as they’re about animals.. cows can’t look left. you don’t know
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Walk of shame
Except it’s me leaving the work bathroom just as the cleaners show up
9-year-old: It’s raining pretty hard.
Me: You can use your cool new umbrella.
9: I don’t want to get it wet.
you got a fast car
I got a plan to jump in front of it
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
ME: Crimes.
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Yes, 911, that guy just fed my house letters again.
[taking the last bite of a big meal]
date: what would you like to do next
me: poop
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
My cat thinks any questions I ask him are rhetorical.
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
“Dude, this is so awesome, I can use my $300 smart phone as a flashlight”.
– Why we’ll be speaking Chinese in 50 years.
Kids today will never know what it’s like to have a 3rd grade teacher who teaches every subject and even serves as dentist on fluoride day.
[funeral]
ME: [giving eulogy] so here’s why I’m glad this guy is dead
It’s very funny to me that in The Wizard of Oz Glinda is like “only bad witches are ugly” five seconds after asking Dorothy if she’s a good witch or a bad witch.
dream blunt rotation
it’s creepy that edward cullen never sleeps and spends his nights staring at bella. but what if he’s just stopping spiders crawling into her mouth? now we’re talking
Thinking about setting up Costco sample stations around the house to keep the kids busy and fed