Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Doorbell repairman…… the end.
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Using cruise control on the highway so I can practice karate
My kids: I love this song! Turn it up!!
Also my kids: immediately start telling me a 17-minute story.
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
me: haha isn’t it weird that i own you?
dog: [pauses mario kart] own me at what, exactly.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
if I were a pediatrician, I’d answer my phone:
“NO MORE MONKEYS JUMPING ON THE BED”
“Everyday I’m mumblin'”-Bane
Oceanography is all about current events
I keep getting a message that “Twitter is having issues”
Good job guys…we drove twitter crazy!
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
Relax, folks. The dentist apologized for killing #CecilTheLion after he found out Cecil was famous. He meant to murder a NON-famous lion.
Stop making mini snacks, people. Never have I been like, “wow this is a delicious cupcake. If only it were 1/4 of the size.”
Ghost: they can’t kill us
Wife: that’s what u said last time
For a dude who just shot a man in the head, the guy from Bohemian Rhapsody seems quite sanctimonious about getting spit on.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
I’m a show off but not drive around with Christmas lights on my car show off
And that’s when I realized it was a cop car
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
CVS Pharmacist: Agree to the terms on the touchpad
Me: No
CP: U have to
Me: Nope
CP: Is there a problem with the terms?
Me: No
CP: Then sign it
Me: No
CP: SIGN IT!
Me: I’M NOT TOUCHING THAT SCREEN
CP: Then I can’t give u ur Xanax
Me *signs w/my elbow*
CP: Take ur receipt
Me: No
My latest invention, spinal mascara, is creating a big backlash
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.
I just used a recipe to make porridge and the last step was “Leave the house for a while.”
fiat earther: nasa are lying to us, all of the pictures of the earth are fake
me: ok but even if that were true, why would it make the earth flat?
fiat earther: it isn’t, it’s shaped like an Italian car, didn’t you read my name?
The Lion King is probably my favorite children’s movie about running away from your problems until you’re strong enough to kill your uncle.
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
No, I would NEVER put you on mute
This could be us but you keep mumbling about your dignity.