[trying to convince this girl we should be together using a poem I found online] every time you see the word horse replace it with your name
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“Keep pumping until something happens.”
-Home Depot guy teaching me to prime the snow blower says the first thing I’ve understood.
Most of what I know about pre-communist Russia I learned from Boney M
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
Apparently, some customs agencies are saying they won’t allow shipment of anything called a “Flamethrower”. To solve this, we are renaming it “Not a Flamethrower”.
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
Pilot, to passengers: Bit of a…uhhhh…problem on the flight deck…ahhhh…anyone know how much the average woodchuck might be able to…uhhhh…chuck?
Guy who loves tongue twisters: *whispering* It’s my time…
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
[adoption agency]
Caseworker: Think you’re prepared to be a father?
*I perfectly execute the detachable thumb trick*
CW (taking notes): Excellent.
I have the patience of a nearly ripe avocado
My accountant just googled when tax day is in front of me.
I’m going to jail.
i hope my 2 grandmothers dont find out about each other
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
shampoo bottle: Contains No Parabens!
me (has no idea what that is or means): good.
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
I heard the iPhone 15 won’t have any ports or jacks or a screen and it will just be a smooth steel ball and finally we’ll all be happy.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
-“I hear the Israeli PM isn’t too worried about that latest hack because..”
-“Please don’t”
-“…Benjamin’s Not on Yahoo”
-“I’m leaving you”
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
How actors in movies eat their food
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
Canadians are not always nice, especially if your son pisses on their snowman.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
One pretty important part of being a dad is walking faster than the rest of your family through an airport.
In case you were looking for a sign to lock your car doors – this is it
DATE: I love heavy metal
ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium
[baby pushes food away as I try feeding it]
Fine. Die.