[i’m on the ship’s deck, dragging around a board by a rope]
PIRATE CAPTAIN: *rubs temples* that’s not what i meant by “walk the plank”
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“Get better” is a nice thing to write on a card. “Get better soon” feels a little threatening though. What’s the rush
I’m stunned that some of you watch the news, like on purpose.
*opens can of Pringles*
*finds my lost keys*
Friend: You look different…younger…really great
Me: I had a little something done
Friend: *whispers* Face lift?
Me: Colonoscopy
Kiss me you fool.
Embrace me you dolt.
Cuddle me you simpleton.
Marry me you megalomaniac.
HAVE MY BABY YOU GARBAGE PERSON.
You have to be careful with people. You give someone the wrong look and they’ll tell you their whole life story.
True, making your own beer can be costly and time consuming, but the finished product is just awful.
*cop pulls me over*
Have you been drinking?
No I-
*water bottle now full of wine*
*officer lowers shades. its Jesus*
No one will believe you
[1692 Salem]
“BURN THE WITCH”U HAVE A CROOKED NOSE, WITCH
“No, Frank, at the stake”
[quickly lighting torch]
Right, I knew that.
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
If you think it’s impossible to be late for work when you work from home, we probably can’t be friends.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
You disagree with me and I bring out the spiked minion bat to put you in your place
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
If we get to have sex with our valentines on Valentine’s Day I can’t wait until Presidents’ Day.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
my friend thought his gf was cheating on him but it turned out she was going to a psychic to help her win the powerball and we both agree that’s way worse
It’s incredibly hard to keep engaged in a conversation while you know a plate of biscuits is about to be offered to you. You can sense the biscuits making their way up the table. You can hear other people pretending to be surprised by the biscuits by saying “ooh, biscuits!”. And here you are, pretending to speak to someone, feeling like an extra in a film. You can’t look at the biscuits, that’s not part of the game. Just have to fix your eyes on the person you’re speaking to, just have to hold your nerve steady until… “ooh, biscuits!”
I just dusted like 4 years ago this is bullshit
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
My sisters a doctor and she’s always on call. She’s an oncologist.
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Jurassic Park is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
You guys know that there are things higher than kites, right?
Me: *walks up to Walgreens cashier with a pack of condoms* Excuse me, where are your fitting rooms?