Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
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*after sex
No, you cannot sleep over.
Husband:
If you know, you know 😂🚔
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
I’m about to go for a run as soon as I text all my enemies and let them know.
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
Shaking hands is just nature’s way of spreading germs and killing off the friendly people.
Me: did you know that abbreviating names can be really confusing?
GF: really?
Me: yeah
George Foreman: that’s interesting
One of my favourite summer activities is to pretend I don’t know what a motorcycle is. It seems to sting worse because I’m a heavily tattooed blonde woman. I like to keep saying ‘it sounds like you’re describing a bicycle?’
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
let’s split up gang… me and this super hot girl who hangs out with us for some reason are gonna search the house… turtleneck u take the dog and this filthy hippie to the graveyard
I always go the extra mile at work. That’s why I’m a terrible taxi driver.
Me: How old is your daughter?
Her: She’ll be 4 next week.
Me: *audible sigh
(Slowly, emphatically): OK. But I asked how old is she… NOW.
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
[4 hours later]
Tyler Durden: And the 351st rule of Fight Club is you absolutely CANNOT substitute baking powder with baking soda when making pancakes
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
her: when we go to Hawaii let’s ride a dolphin
me:
her:
me: i’m taking a plane, Karen
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Yah I ordered a large pizza but it’s thin crust/ light cheese so basically it’s a salad .
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
Barista: Name?
Me: Ursula
Barista: With an E?
Me: no, U
Dropped my 2 year old off at daycare, put her shoes & blankie in her cubby and kissed her goodbye. I spotted her lunchbox back in my car so I took it inside. When she saw me she jumped up & grabbed her stuff to go home like she’d been there for 7 hours. My daughter is a goldfish.
My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
A cop pulled me over because he thought I was talking on a cell phone but really I was just rubbing a slice of pizza on the side of my face
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.