my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*
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3 days ago I put a sign on my door that said “I’ll be back in 20 minutes”.
Nobody has bothered me since and I’m never taking it down.
Entrepreneurs will work hard and put in 120% for years only for one article to tell you that their secret is that they do yoga at 4.30am 🙄🙄🙄
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
FIRST GUY TO RECEIVE A LETTER IN AN ENVELOPE: oh I get it she wrapped up a piece of paper in…. another piece of paper
“I don’t get why our troops need to wear camouflage, when they could just wear glasses…”
-Superman
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
According to all these BMI charts…
I DEFINITELY need to get taller next year.
Nothing better than corn-flavored…corn.
Judge: you‘re gonna hang
Me: awesome, with whom?
Five-word horror story:
“I’m going that way too”
Do you single people want to know what marriage is like? Imagine having an argument in 1993 and talking about it once a week until you die
I clicked on one of those DM messages
And now it burns when I tweet
“racially charged” makes it sound like y’all out here buying triple K batteries
in a world where big data threatens to commodify our lives,. telling online surveys that i “Dont know” what pringles are constitutes Heroism
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs.
*lost in China*
Friend: ask that man where we areMe [pretending to speak Chinese with a local]: xian chan sēn
F: well?
Me: we’re in China
job interview tip: show up wearig the exact same thing as ur interveiwer, whispre “dress for the job u want, right?” then just stare at them
*throws all my dirty dishes in the trash*
Me: Alexa, order me new dishes.
Bank account: *shakes head furiously*
Me: sigh. *starts placing dishes in sink*
me: Baby shark doo doo doo doo doo doo baby shark doo doo doo doo doo baby shark! Mommy shark doo doo-
Other people on life raft: please stop
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
“I wouldn’t touch you with a thirty nine and a half foot pole”
-Families making Christmas plans in 2020
I’m going to use colored chalk for your outline.
Husband: …
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
A boy at school tells me I’m looking like a snack. I plead with him to take it back, but it is too late. My teachers huddle around me with a bloodthirsty look in their eyes.
“D I D Y O U B R I N G E N O U G H
T O S H A R E”
ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break
DOCTOR: Your hip
ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break
This boot was made for walking.
This other boot was made for finding dog poop, apparently.
“Oh wow, I’m going to have sex with that guy revving his car engine.”
-no girl ever
what if a snake fell asleep wrong and when he woke up his him was alseep