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“That video conference call went extremely well!” I say to myself, having arrived late, mouthed ‘hello’ while on mute, and left before it was over because I noticed my underwear drawer was open and overflowing in the background the whole time. “Yes, quite well.”
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Lookit me! Getting out of bed! Paying bills! Avoiding eye contact with the laundry!
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.
My kid’s wish list at age 6: An adorably misspelled handwritten request for toys
My kid’s wish list at age 14: A professionally designed slideshow with links to big-ticket items that ends with the phrase “open your hearts and your wallets”
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
back in my day criminals had the decency to carry around a sack with a “$” on it so you knew what they were up to
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Beyoncé: Who run the world?
Me: Oligarchs?
Beyoncé: This really changes my song
Going to the dentist for a teeth cleaning. Should I put them in a fancy box or will a Ziploc baggie be ok? Also, not all of them are human teeth, some I happened upon randomly. Can I still get those cleaned? Sorry, don’t mean to be weird, I’m just excited for my first time!!
Me: oh shit there’s my ex girlfriend will you hold my hand so she gets jealous
Dad: sure kiddo
Put those painful memories somewhere the mind can’t see them.
Alcohol: *ears perk up*
Her idea of extending an olive branch was to sharpen one end first, then extend it REALLY hard.
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
It took a while but my friend finally convinced me that I am hanging with the wrong crowd. He said, “He dude, we’re over here, you don’t know those people.”
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
“You can eat 50% of a mermaid before you’re considered a cannibal.”
My kid, using homeschool math during social distancing
me: I got fired from the play, they hated my set design
wife: did you make a scene?
me: *crying* several
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
I’m sorry I’m late, but my 2yo had to say goodbye to the muffins in the grocery store.
where’s Godzilla when we need him
me working on my assignments ^-^
My body is a temple, please leave pizza and tacos at the altar.
Confused owl: What?!
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Last night, James Bond came to me in a dream. Turned on the radio & told me that I had to fight for my right to party
Also, I tried Ambien
My daughter told me I was a dumb piece of poop today
Feeling grateful for all the years I spent in college and my response was, “ well so are you”
{slowly digs both of my feet into the wet sand}
{whispers} planet shoes