Me: Santa, why are women so scary?
Santa: dude come on, I make $8.50 an hour, get off me.
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I tell my boyfriend I love him all the time and all he says are things like “make a left in 300 feet” and “you’ve reached your destination.”
The Pillsbury Doughboy is a goddam monster who sacrifices his own people so that he can get a finger poke.
*I finish setting up a display of skeletons in my front yard*
Neighbor: Great Halloween display!
Me: What is halloween?
I think all the people named Shawn, Sean and Shaun should fight onto death and the winner gets to keep the name.
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
[first day as a bartender]
boss: stop putting OJ in the mojitos
me: *starts serving mitos*
According to HR, we’re not allowed to staple our colleagues’ tie to the wall when he’s being annoying
That is some bullshit
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
[creating seals]
Angel: It’s been a long day, how about just one more thing?
God: Give that dog a wetsuit & lets go the pub.
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[First Date]
Paige Turner: I’ve been unlucky in love. I feel like people expect me to be more exciting
Cliff Hanger: Weird. I get that too
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
I just signed up my three kids for bike and swimming lessons this summer….anyone know who I can contact about selling a kidney?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
So crazy to think that a group of ninjas could be fighting right next to me and I’d never know
I could win awards for having a bad memory.
In fact, I probably did. How would I know.
Me: Everyone should follow their true calling in life.
Husband: Shopping at Target isn’t a calling.
[5 mins after being stranded on an island with a group of people]
Me: who do we eat first
OK, Gravity wasn’t very realistic. First of all, and I checked this, Sandra Bullock — not an astronaut
I’ll never judge another mom’s house, unless of course she has little kids and it’s spotless
People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
Cop: Can you describe the man who stabbed you?
Me: He kept going like this [stabbing motion]
A fun way to “Break up” is to tell them to “Go long” and then never throw them the football.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
Very tired of the NSA reading my tweets and not retweeting them.
Do citrus fruits grow better in the limelight?