I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
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[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.
Elections?Vote for pizza. Throw the pizza slice in the envelope. Not all of it silly! Just a little corner will do. Eat the rest. As usual
🤣🤣🤣
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
I just unlocked the “My House Was Robbed Because I Checked in on Foursquare” badge on Foursquare!
Me: Why is my phone making this odd noise when I use it?
Verizon Service Rep: *listens* It’s playing Backstreet Boys
Me: Tell me WHY
Rep: Ain’t nothing but a mistake
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
I need a guy who’s cute charming smells good smells really good like cinnamon and sugar and flaky crust and actually I just need some pie
Forget a alarm clock just give me the smell of bacon and coffee
Date: What do you do?
Me: I’m a cleptozoologist
Date: That’s interest…wait, what??
Me: *is already stealing lobsters from the tank*
I like extremes. I want a nerd, but he’s gotta be an extreme nerd. Like I don’t even want to understand what he’s talking about.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Mommy, what are these?
“Put them back they are sleeping pills!”
Oh, then you shouldn’t yell
“Why?”
[whispering] YOU’LL WAKE THEM UP
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
Woke up naked in my neighbor’s boat again. I’ve got to stop watching titanic when I’m drinking.
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
trying to cheat on my philosophy final by texting my friend who took it last year: “hey man, how ought one to live”
What doesn’t kill me makes me smaller – Mario
I once pushed a shopping cart 10 miles the other direction to avoid talking to someone I knew at the grocery store.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!