“you’re the first girl i’ve brought here”
the bartender:
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You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
It’s not illegal to get in a taxi and scream until you’ve reached your destination.
Bond. Trauma bond.
{first date}
Me: On my ACTUAL first date, Brian Beckwith caught a turtle for me and kissed me on the cheek
Date:…
Me: I’ve been chasing that high since kindergarten
Date: *leaves*
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
Me: I’m so tired. Can’t wait to go to sleep.
Body: Hold up there. Need to test nerve endings. Here’s a random shooting pain in your hand.
Me: No.
Brain: Here’s that weird jerking thing when you start to fall asleep!!
Me: Please stop.
Body: Itchy back!
[ creating bats ]
god: well we already made birds
angel:
god:
angel: what if they were goth
god: omg what IF they were goth tho
me: I feel like this’d be better if I knew my competitors. Like maybe you could do a grid and we could see who won each week?
therapist: again, you can’t “win” therapy
Who wore it best? #Oscars2015
I ate an entire box of delicious Triscuit crackers, and 8 hours later gave birth to a wicker chair.
*receives invitation to dry wedding*
*becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
If you threaten to perform a lobotomy on a co-worker, you’ll get a snarky email from HR and they’ll confiscate your Stanley knife.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
I never had children but I still get to watch my dogs find clever ways to avoid eating broccoli.
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
The home invasion ruined us. We never stood a chance against the houses.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Get yourself a woman who likes to watch murder shows, but doesn’t keep a notebook of the methods labeled “tips and tricks”.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
There’s hangry, and then there’s fasting for blood test hangry.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
My husband swears he doesn’t read my stupid magazines, so I guess we have a ghost that leaves my Entertainment Weekly in the bathroom.
Me: whale sharks should really pick a lane ya know
Aquarium guide: let’s focus on finding your kid
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…