if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night
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Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
Me when I wear 4 inch heels
My family has a proud tradition of hunting down the worst possible person we can find, and then marrying them.
At my funeral, I want them to play “Thriller” and have someone that looks like me climb out of a casket, dancing.
(wins at death)
I bet Santa has 3 lists now:
Naughty, nice, and people who’ve left him healthy snacks instead of cookies.
(first day as a marine scientist)
Me: When do we get to…
Field supervisor: For the tenth time, we are not here to boop shark noses
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
did it hurt? when the rat pulled on your hair to make you cook?
sin harder.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
I need a thingy to fix the thingy because the thingy came loose and the thingy is wiggly now. Do you sell those?
-Me, at Home Depot
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
I never realized how annoying I could be until I created a miniature version of myself and started arguing with it daily.
I can never understand what our accent chair is saying.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
*Chicken strips*
Me: *blushes*
“You don’t load the dishwasher right,” I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
Due to unforeseen circumstances, I will no longer be eating cheese I don’t remember putting in my purse
My 7yr old fell and I wanted to say “Are you okay? Be careful.” Instead it came out at as “Are you careful?” That answer would be an obvious no.
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
Setting a dowry for my teenage daughter. So far I’ve got 2 dogs, 1 little sister and an ant farm. Act before midnight, I’ll toss in an iPad.
excuse me why are *people* accepting medals for the equestrian events this is some bs