make sure you check your drugs for candy tonight
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“I’m sorry. I haven’t had sex for a very long time.” — and other things I say during the meeting to excuse my bad behavior.
Guy: I hate my spouse.
Friend: You gotta end it.
Guy: I also hate myself.
Friend: You gotta en… learn to love yourself!
My son can now reach the light switches so don’t come over my house unless you’re really into raves or want to have a seizure.
if I won an award my acceptance speech would just be a list of medications that I’m thankful for
Here’s my ONLY problem with Evolution:
When the chocolate chip evolved, how did the raisin not go extinct?
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
I accidentally ate the sticker on an apple. The scan code is inside me and there’s now a beep every time I check out at the grocery store.
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
This entire pizza told me thigh gaps are for queers.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
I’ve never been #BackToTheFuture , but my mom always used to promise me she’d knock me into next week if I didn’t behave.
Them: Hey aren’t you that guy that keeps inventing useless things?
Me: Not anymore! Allow me to introduce to you-
Them: Oh Jesus
Me: -the portable hat!
When all the grocery stores are out of food, those fish holding Tinder dudes will look pretty damn good.
Even if you’re fully vaccinated the CDC recommends finishing some of the books on your shelf before buying new ones
Ayn Rand, Rand Paul and Paul Ryan walk into a bar. The bartender serves them tainted alcohol because there are no regulations. They die.
Wrong answers only
Answer: Marriage
[friend is showing me around his city]
HIM: and that right there is the children’s hospital
ME: *struggles with this for a minute* how the hell are children running a hospital
There’s a Hanna-Barbera Godzilla coloring book filled with awful jokes. But if you rearrange some pages, a tragic story unfolds
I’m at doc’s office & they have 3 designated areas: flu like symptoms, stomach virus symptoms, & kids. I don’t want to catch any of the 3.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
*me trying new contouring makeup
Them: now just blend it…blend it
I just got really sad thinking about Voldemort trying to enjoy a nice day at the beach but his sunglasses won’t stay on his face
If you only see two signs about a raccoon room today, make it these two.
Me *chatting up another mom at the playground*: What an adorable name for a boy!
Her: Thanks. We named him after our favorite water bottle company
Gene Hackman is my favorite actor whose name sounds like a job description at Monsanto
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
[crowd surfs up to lead singer] can u skip all the stuff from ur new album
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.