So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
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I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
War & Peace
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
Since wine is made from grapes its technically accurate to say I did a fruit juice cleanse for New Years Eve.
Teachers are getting ridiculous with sending out homeschooling projects.
We have an English and History assignment due in two days and we don’t even have kids.
Let’s all take a moment to honor National Punctuation Day because life would be: very, confusing! Without it?
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i always wear cargo shorts
professor x: that’s stup- *coughcough* sry my throats dry
me: oh here have a gatorade
professor x: thanks man
Been yelling i need a job at my phone for 6 hrs each day so that I get targeted ads about jobs. Now the jobs are looking for me.
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Women’s version: Body Soap
Men’s: Body soap + Shampoo + conditioner + lotion + complete breakfast
I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
they smoked a joint and
overthrew the government.
now that’s a high coup
A baby’s smile can light up a room. Unless it’s pitch black. Then the baby is totally useless.
Me: You know, in the 70s everyone wanted shag carpet, but now all they seem to want is smooth wood or tile floors.
My Brother: You’re not talking about flooring, are you.
Me: Nope.
“Jesus take the wheel” -an Asian man telling the police that a Mexican guy stole his rims off his Honda Civic.
Got banned from helping my granddaughter write sentences with spelling words. Apparently third graders can’t write about tequila.
When you try to be humble and say it’s no big deal and they agree with you😭.
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
Be the reason your neighbors have that why me look in there eyes whenever they see you
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
Whoever came up with ‘the world is our oyster’ must’ve really been into mucus.
took a girl to starbucks because i forgot her name
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
I feel sorry for all those girls bragging that they don’t have a gag reflex. They’ll probably die choking on an Olive Garden bread stick.
Jesus: hey cheer up it’s nearly FriYAY!
judas: actually know what, I’m good now