I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
You Might Also Like
So when my coupled friends ask me how dating is going, is it appropriate for me to ask how their marriage/relationship is going or is that aggressive?
Him: Hi
Me: I bet you say that to all the girls
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
It’s funny how your tweets are funnier now that I know you’re hot.
-everyone on Twitter
What animal do I respect most? The octopus. I have no idea what to do with my hands most of the time, and I only have two of them.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, ‘I need to pencil in my eyebrows’ and ‘Omg this grocery store is playing my jams’
do you ever think about how since Doordash started, some amount of cars in a traffic jam are just someone’s sandwich. a whole spot on the road just occupied by a guys lunch
OMG! How did you get all of those bruises?
Me: [flashback, crashing into dresser trying to zip skinny jeans] I slipped on the ice.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
when u get caugt lying on ur resume but u still try to convince the interviewer that ur qualified for the job
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
I’m forgetful. My wife is rememberful.
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
Oh you’ve jumped out of an airplane? Well, I’ve run down the stairs in SOCKS, so I think we’re even
A closed mouth gathers no fries.
ME: I hate him with 1/16th of the fibers of my being
GUY: Not every fiber?
ME: I hate alot of people. I’m not wasting all my fibers on 1 guy
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Lost 4 stone and feel great, but it started with a trip to India where I got the shits, came back and everyone said well done on diet, had to carry on as I didn’t want to explain about the shits.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
If Reincarnation ends up being real…
Those People who got “YOLO” tattoos are going to look… Pretty Silly
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
I walk into the store thinking man I look good today and then the self-checkout security camera had to go and point out that I actually look like Squidward
People say “If you want loyalty, get a dog,” but my dog would abandon me in a dark alley for a pizza crust, so maybe loyalty has layers.
*i maintain solid eye contact with my boss, who is in the process of firing me for eating on the job, as i slowly pull out a chalupa from my coat pocket & begin eating it*
[cashier slapping the Cool Ranch chips out of my hand]: Oh no you don’t, nerd