Me: *Holding a door and hiding behind it*
Murderer: *walks through the door*
Me *passive aggressive*: YOU’RE WELCOME
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It’s always annoying to be woken up by some guy mowing his lawn.
Just go around me, man.
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
Cop: why’d you do it?
Me: I haven’t been eating carbs and I just….I just snapped.
Cop: how long has it been since you cut out the carbs?
Me: I don’t know 30, maybe 40 minutes.
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Every time I get a paper cut, I know somewhere a tree is laughing.
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Do kids eat more under quarantine?
Since we stocked the house with food, my son is taking to eating like he’s being personally challenged.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
Italians keep plastic on their couches because it’s easier to clean up the murder scene
My cat: Meow
Me: Come here.
My cat: MEOW!
Me: You can’t complain about lack of attention AND not come here. Pick a struggle and stick to it.
Next time you want to question the rationality of women, just remember that they freak the fuck out when they see a centimeter long spider.
A pirate reminisces:
“Ar, at first, ’twas all fun and games.”
*rubs eye patch morosely*
Rock of ages, but it’s just Dwayne Johnson showing me his childhood photo album.
A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.
Did you file your cat correctly today?..📂🐈📂😅
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
[my first day in a drug cartel]
kingpin: where’s the coke
me: is pepsi ok? hehe
[later]
police: this is the most bullet holes we’ve ever seen in a single body
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
Can’t decide if I want to join a cult or a woodchipper.
Overheard: “He’s a good guy. He’s a fine attorney. He’s got three goats.”
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
Get the body you always wanted this summer. Go grave-robbing.
Friend: Why do you smell like bleach?
Me: I dribbled Sprite down my cleavage and I used a Clorox wipe to get it out.
Sexy huh?Mr. Clean: oooo baby yes
I’m thankful my wife harvested over $100,000 in potatoes on Farmville while I ate a grilled cheese for dinner & am sleeping on dirty laundry
I’m not afraid I’ll yell out the wrong name during sex, I’m afraid I’ll yell out the name of the candy bar I’m thinking about.
if there’s something that needs to be picked up off the floor, I think to myself “do I really need it that bad” and most of the time the answer is “no” so I just leave the baby there
If you enjoy Vampire Weekend thank your Vampire Union