[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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duolingo: he is a boy
me: él es un niño
duolingo: she is a girl
me: ella es una niña
duolingo: can i make it anymore obvious
me: puedo—wait
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
Hi 911, I’d like to report a drunk naked guy blasting off truck nuts w/ a shotgun. Time of incident? [takes drink] In about 20 minutes lol
I traveled over 500 miles to go home and one of first things my mom says is “you need a haircut”
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Parents: Are you eating well at school?
Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*
I almost spilled my wine, but if it were doing its damn job, I would have actually spilled it.
any man with a ponytail is never more than 15ft away from a katana at any given time
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
me: *trying to quickly and quietly go to the bathroom at 3am so I stay asleep
my dog: Oh cool, you’re up. What should we do now? Play with a ball? Go for a walk? Breakfast? Do you want to scratch me?
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
I asked her if she wanted to play House, then yelled at her like an angry, eccentric genius-doctor.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
If you’re not sure how to spell a word, there are thousands of English professors on Twitter who will correct you.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
Prisons and psych wards in movies always make it seem like an indignity, but I think it’d be nice to receive food through a slot in my door.
Good morning you can pee in a cup anytime, not just at the doctors office
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”