gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
You Might Also Like
[Cowardly Lion starts texting his ex]
WIZARD OF OZ: Ok wow, I gave you WAY too much courage.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
[in church]
“And Jesus, our saviour, died on the cross for your sins.”
[vicar points directly at me & entire congregation collectively nods]
Why can’t your children be like my office voice mail?
Seen but not heard
Remember when Saturday Morning cartoons would start to end and the live action shows you didn’t like as much started to come on, but you still half-heartedly watched?
That’s Twitter now.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
I tried to help my third grader with some practice IQ test questions, and either he’s a genius or I’m a potato.
At least there’s one other woman who’s more wasted than me in this emergency room.
No, my mistake, she’s got dementia.
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
Them: I’ll be right back
Me: That’s not necessary
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I’ve spent my whole life trying to find a girl with a psychiatric disorder that makes her think she’s a woodpecker.
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
if you loved baby yoda you’re gonna effin hate teen yoda
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
I’m really trying to care about this Queen dying but she didn’t even put out any good songs
I undo his overall strap & slide it off a barely perceptible shoulder. I pull his steel work goggle down around his “neck”
“BanaNA” he moans
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
There’s no I in team but there is an I in marriage. There’s also ME, AA and RAGE.
Once again thinking about the most Massachusetts headline I’ve ever seen
If you don’t tell me I’m on speakerphone then I’m not responsible for your kids learning new words.
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common