I’m not saying that my kids don’t love me, but if I’m ever held hostage at gunpoint and they have to answer a “yes or no” question in order for me to survive, then I’m definitely going to die because the first word out of my kids mouths is going to be “why.”
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Me: I feel sad I should surround myself with fun and nice things
Also me:
I think this should do it.
Just found out you can buy more hangers. You don’t have to choose which clothes go on the 9 hangers you’ve somehow had your entire life and keep the rest in a pile.
Tinder but it matches people that don’t know what they want for dinner with people who will decide what they get for dinner.
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
OH MY GOD I’m not giving you my money!
-my 5 yo replying to radio commercials.
That awkward moment when you text a pretty girl, “my shirt smells like you” & you misspell shirt
These weekends are starting to feel as long as a lunch break.
*caches football thrown from off screen* “Are you having problems with slow interne*video starts buffering*
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
I don’t normally shit with the door open but I don’t want to miss the in flight movie
me: aren’t you too old for a high chair
lifeguard: please go away
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
I’ve never literally been tortured but I have walked behind old people when I was in a hurry.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
REJECTED MARVEL CHARACTERS:
Thorothy
Captain Caillou
Aunt Man
Backfat
Iron Jan
Thanus
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
My 5yo wrote the ABCs up and down his leg in permanent marker, it’s pretty much a kindergarten tattoo
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
Why did they call them fad diets and not newtrition.
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
Robber: Give me your phone and don’t try anything funny. *looks at my tweets* Ok, I see that you haven’t.
I’m smart. Just not remembers how to write a cursive Z, smart.
Movie makers: keep them under 2.5 hours. Bladders everywhere will thank you.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.