Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet
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I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
Nietzsche: God is dead
God: Nietzsche is dead
[they both turn to camera]
THAT’S RIGHT, WE’RE DEAD SERIOUS ABOUT OUR MATTRESS PRICES
ME: I’m a tough, smart, practical adult, and I don’t believe in silly superstiti–
SOME OLD LADY ON THE STREET: *grabs my hand, gasps* She still thinks about you.
ME, streaming tears and snot : R-r-really?
ME: Boy, the upstairs neighbors are sure noisy tonight.
WIFE: Y— wait. We live on the top floor.
ME: *remembering my promise to the brotherhood of dancing chimney sweeps* Boy, sure is windy, is what I meant to say.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
What idiot called it a tree trimmer instead of a branch manager?
Therapist: Tell me something exciting that happened this week
Me: McDonald’s has a new breakfast sandwich
Therapist:
Me: It has two sausage patties and bacon
Therapist:
Me: Also two slices of cheese, I think
Therapist:
Me: Why do you look so sad
PERSON WHO IS A LITTLE TOO INTO CARDS DOING A FANCY SHUFFLE: Ok lads, the game is Beggar’s Summit. A pair is worth thrice, two kings is a false dawn, no peeling, no japes, player on your left ghouls and on your first deal you have to toast.
Anyone know how soon I should start roasting our Christmas turkey so I can be sure it will be nice and dry enough in time for the big day?
Do not break eye contact with your waitress as you put the spaghetti in your wallet.
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
You can literally be in Autozone and your kid will still want something. WTF you want a alternator?
The saddest thing about trying to find a needle in a haystack is that your horse is hiding a drug habit from you.
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
Some parents sing the Clean Up song, but I just yell “I’m getting garbage bags you better hope you can pick up your toys faster than I can!”
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
Daughter: Daddy, I can’t sleep.
Me: *gets warm milk* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *reads a book* How about now?
D: Nope
Me: *starts to sing*
D: *fake sleeps so I’ll stop*
Me: Man, I should have started with that.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Last week my husband made a delicious chocolate mousse. Today he confessed that it was made with tofu. I’m doubtful our marriage can survive such deceit.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
“let the meat rest for 5 minutes after cooking” wtf it doesn’t need a rest just been sitting there in the oven for an hour
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
HR called me in today and told me I have a bad attitude. So they’re transferring me over to IT and giving me a raise.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
Pulling out of the driveway for a two-hour car ride to visit family.
My 5yo from the backseat: “Don’t turn the radio on, Mama. I brought my harmonica so I can play you music.”
My therapist encouraged me to stop bending over backwards for people. But just between us, I really miss yoga.
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”