If you can make a woman laugh, you can make her do anything – Marilyn Monroe
If you believe that try showing her your race car bed – Me.
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BOSS: I’m sorry I just don’t trust your judgment.
ME: [trying to pick up glass of water with both fists wedged in Pringles tubes] explain..
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
My birth announcement for our third baby
Feels wrong for women to be playing soccer while I’m just sitting here watching. I should be helping them
One hamburger please
CHICK-FIL-A: Sorry we only serve chicken here
Oh
*leaves*
*comes back wearing a chicken costume*
One hamburger please
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
If your date is holding up their pants with a conveyer belt, they might have a lot of baggage
Twitter fine art
“911, what’s your emergency?”
“Hi. Long time listener, first time caller.”
“That’s really funny.”
“Thank you. Anyways, I’m being stabbed.”
Death be not proud. Death not so great with words, but happy to go out with any girl you want fix Death up with.
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
Always a bit depressed when I pass my ex’s house and see that it still hasn’t burned to the ground.
The kids report cards are coming out today so I’m excited to see how I did.
SNOW WHITE: so how’d you get your names?
SNEEZY: I sneeze a lot
SLEEPY: I sleep a lot
GRUMPY: my wife left me
[eating a foot long sub]
*spits out tiny periscope*
*getting caught filling up neighbor’s trash can*
Omg Karen, I just looove your trash can! Where did you get it?
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
friend: have u seen garfield as spiderman?
me: omg not yet is there a tail hole in his suit??
friend: it’s andrew garf-
me: *nodding, sitting back down* andrew garfield
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Just before a Subway employee starts making my sandwich, I’ll stop them and whisper, “Like you mean it.”
He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
If you’re bringing an acoustic guitar camping it will be used as firewood.
Though we appreciate your application for the position, HR has decided to go with a potted plant instead.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Let’s be honest, murdering someone before coffee would be pretty lackluster. I’d probably be too tired to even get the job done.
I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
See ya later, alligator.
After a while, crocodile.
Catch ya mañana, little iguana.
Honk if you are possessed by the vengeful spirit of a goose