what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
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EVERY SENTIENT & NON-SENTIENT CONGLOMERATION OF MOLECULES ON THIS EARTH HAS A BF. WTF.
Pavlov’s dog but it’s me reaching in the backseat for trash every time my kid says “MOM!”
who called it trying to conceive and not kidding?
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
Water Park Lifeguard: I said you are unwelcome here
Me: I promise this corduroy swimsuit isn’t as flammable as the last one- please?
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
SCIENTIST: Let’s name this spider Long Legs, for its long legs
SCIENTIST 2: Hmm not kinky enough
#parenting
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
No Teflon coated pan has ever been a match for my husband and his love of stirring with sharp utensils.
STOP RUNNING IN THE HOUSE!
I said STOP RUNNING!
STOP RUNN..
YOU BETTER RUN YOU LITTLE SHIT!
Did you know?
Salmon swim upstream through intense water rapids to mate, lay eggs, then die. They leave their young to fend for themselves.
[Looks at my kids fighting over a piece of lint]
I think salmon have the right idea.
[cockroach crawls by]
Friend: Did you know that roaches can survive a nuclear war?
*looks down*
*squishes it with shoe*Me: Not that one.
A woman at the grocery store stopped me and asked “Do you know where the cheese is?” and it was the only time in my life that I confidently gave directions.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
I will always post cat eating corn when I see it
Today as a Random Act of Kindness, I wore a really tight sweater to work.
Dr: You understand, after this you can’t father children anymore.
Me: Got it.
[Later]
Wife: Can you just handle the kids for a moment while I-
Me : Nope. You heard the doctor.
when you order from DoorDastardly
We’re watching a true crime show here about women who kill their husbands and my wife is taking notes. Omg I think she wants to be a detective, you guys.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Do people who swirl and sniff their wine in the glass know that it tastes just the same straight from the bottle? Amateurs.
People are like snowflakes. Individually small and ineffective, but if we work together we can make my step dad crash his car into a tree.
Me: Can you bring back Prince?
Genie: I can’t bring people back.
Me: Okay how about make it so my back never hurts again?
Genie: Who was that dead guy again?