Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
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my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
The older you get, the more you realise your chances of being cast as a vampire in a Twilight reboot are dwindling.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
I’m hoping the next currency fad will be allen wrenches. I’ll be a gazillionaire.
Ever try spreading really cold butter on toast? I’m like the human version of that.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
Wow bro, that pot leaf tattoo on your neck really makes the colors of your Burger King uniform pop.
I don’t eat dessert for dinner nearly as much as I thought I would when I was 8
I used to have a friend named CLINT then one time I wrote the letters of his name too close together on his birthday card
Everyone cried at my wedding. Even the cake was in tiers.
If you see a baby locked in a car break the window and put another baby in there, he’s probably lonely.
[falling asleep, my hand dangles over the side of the bed]
[a pale ghostly hand emerges from under the bed, slides its cold dead fingers between mine]
Me, squeezing back: Awww.
“how to handle stress like a dog: if you can’t eat it or play with it,
Pee on it and walk away.”
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Relationship status: Getting dirty is always a reference to food stains.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
[creation]
GOD: You all have a divine purpose
HORSE: I will plow man’s field
COW: I will give man milk
GUINEA PIG: I will test man’s shampoo
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Me: Look, I really stuck my neck out for you and-
Vampire: wow
Me: Right off the bat you- No, I’m just saying it bites, I mean it sucks when-
Vampire: WOW
Horton Hears a who?
Horton Hears a what?
Horton Hears a huh?
Horton hears a chicka chikca chicka chicka slim shady.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
If you listen to 3 or more Sheryl Crow songs, that’s a murder
Gave money to a homeless man. A stranger lectured me on how he’s just going to spend it on drugs and alcohol..
Yeah, OK. Like I wasn’t.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
“Mr. President, you have some Updog in east Syria.”
“What’s Updog?”
“[unfurls projector screen] Updog is a military terrorist organizati
When I’m nervous, I like to picture everyone naked. Then, I picture them fully clothed, with items of my choosing. It’s a very complex and fashionable coping mechanism.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
Rumpelstiltskin: [shows up for a spinning class] wtf am I the only one who actually brought straw