Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
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The scary thing about helping my kid with her sixth grade homework is that even though it was a long time ago I don’t remember being as bad as I am now at sixth grade.
*reading* 160 calories *thinking* Let me break it down to see how much I should eat. *reading and thinking* The can is 14.2 ounces, the serving size is 245 grams and the servings per container are about 3.
And we wonder why America is getting fat.
MATH
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
Email from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Voicemail from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Text from dental office: You have an appt Friday at 2 pm
Receptionist from the dental office in my kitchen during breakfast on Friday: You have an appt today at 2 pm
Two ill-tempered people return from a fractious trip to the grocery store, driving through an Old Testament downpour, and neither having changed the battery in the garage door opener.
Your prospects for a pleasant day are excellent because they have absorbed all the anger in…
Can. I. Help. You.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
Me: the vacuum broke
Husband: that sucks
Me: no it doesn’t
That awkward moment when someone is cooking fish in the office and all the girls begin sniffing themselves.
Jousting on horseback except both competitors have party subs.
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
bad
worse
worst
worchester
me: how much is the funny smelling spray
clerk: perfume?
me: no the whole bottle
Some lady at Olive Garden died, so we’re rummaging through her stuff. Just like a real family.
BREAKING: area man is calculated by height times width
What level of dating is it when he asks ‘what’s your sign’ and you give him 2 finger guns and a pew, pew?
Sad to think that the Grandma from the Nutty Professor is probably dead by now.
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
[rollercoaster]
HER: weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
ME [selfish]: iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii
my husband and I were running from a demon who was trying to kill us (in a video game) and I was about to die bc I couldn’t find a hiding spot but then my husband gave me his hiding spot and the demon killed him instead of me and I was like omg babe noo and then I looted his body
I accidentally spilled water on the rice so I immediately put it in a jar of smartphones.
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard