Girlfriend: Did you get all the dishes?
Her (actual) boyfriend: I think so
Me: *from the bushes outside* You missed a cup, Todd
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I don’t understand the expression “on the lamb.” If you’re running away, wouldn’t you choose a faster mount?
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
So we’re overreacting today? Alright then …
You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.
i hate when adults say “tummy.” im an adult. it’s my STOMACH that hurts. because yet again. I had too many sweets without mothers permission
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
People should be able to call in healthy: “Look, I’m not coming into the office today. I feel really good and I don’t want to waste it on being at work “
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
MTV canceled Teen Mom, so it’s like they had those babies for nothing.
[on a plane]
ME: how much for wine?
ATTENDANT: you’re the pilot
ME: oh right it’s free
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
Hotel California reviews
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Such a lovely place”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Plenty of room. Excellent check out”⭐☆☆☆☆
“Can’t leave”
Hi, it’s me, your housebound friend. Since I have years of experience at this, and you lot seem to be out of ideas already, I will be providing you with daily suggestions of ways in which to entertain yourselves at home. Ready?
March 16th: Teach the cat a conjuring spell.
[drunk, yelling at a can of baked beans] ALEXA PLAY BENNIE AND THE JETS
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
{confused hamster}
*looks around cage*
“Ummmm where’d my wheel go??”[Jesus’ voice booms from the heavens]
I WAS TOLD TO TAKE IT
Child: Mommy said I’m allowed to say the C-word now.
Me: Uh. What C-word?
Child: The bad one.
Me:
Child:
Me: Mommy is letting you say-
Wife [running in from other room]: CRAP SHE MEANS CRAP
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
{Prison Diary Day 7}
Nobody is respecting the Swear Jar
There should be a polygamist version of the Bachelor where he says yes to all 30 women on the first night and the season ends after one episode
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*
The bad news is, I’ve failed yet again to poach eggs. The good news is, in my attempts I’ve discovered how to turn lead into gold.