can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
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Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
1: ‘Twas the night before xmas, & all thru the house
Dad was trashed on Grey Goose, mom spilled merlot on her blouse
[phone rings]
“Is your refrigerator running?”
*looks over at fridge holding a lighter up to a spoon*
“I don’t know what he’s doing anymore.”
5-year-old: I missed chicken nugget day at daycare.
Me: So?
5-year-old: My life is falling apart.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you have a flock of sheep that’s having trouble with foxes/dogs get an alpaca. The alpaca will happy join the flock as a ‘long sheep’ and will kick the shit out of anyone who messes with its gang.
Source: grew up on a farm.
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
There is no room in this room cause you brought an elephant with you
My 5yo has gone from simply repeating back everything I say to now repeating back everything I say but with a question mark at the end. This should serve as a reminder to us all that no matter how bad things are they can always get worse.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Me: C’mon.
Dog: No.
Me: Let’s go.
Dog: No.
Me: Please?
Dog: YOU TRYING TO KILL ME?!?
Me: It’s just rain.
Dog: I already pooped in your shoe.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
Went to bank robbing school and the teacher told me to take notes.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
Yelling “you’re not my real ladder!” at your step ladder.
The hardest thing about ghost hunting is cutting its head off so you can mount it on your wall
Highly Misleading Pictures That Will Make You Need To Look Twice At To Understand
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Her Tinder profile: I love hiking, riding bikes, long wa–
Me: Sounds like a lot of doing stuff. Next
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
*First Date*
Him: You’ve been really quiet. Everything ok?
Me: *Sadly* Your SnapChat photos made me think you were a super intelligent dog.
Always have a fake name at the ready so you don’t tell the cops something stupid, like “Andrew Granola.”
gotta say, i love living by the sword. i hope there are no consequences from this regarding how i ultimately die
Using self-checkout lane so I don’t have to interact with anyone.
Scans first item.
Register: … “Please wait for assistance.”