Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
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50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Inside of you are two wolves. Inside of me are twenty one insane weasels. We are not the same
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
Call any time! *terms and conditions apply
Kids today are too obsessed with their phones to care about the “free candy” on my van.
*crosses off “candy” and writes “wi-fi”
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Getting worms from eating raw cookie dough was a lie made up by Cookie Monster so he could get more cookies
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
I love that sexy thing you do, what’s it called again? Oh yeah, me.
In lieu of burial, Mr. Peanut will be dry roasted and his remains will be scattered on the floor of a Texas Roadhouse.
COP: Give back the money you stole
ME: Already spent it
COP: On what?
ME: Karate lessons which [does vague swishes w/ hand] I did not attend
Screw hybrid cars! We should all be driving buses! No clue what their fuel consumption is but I know I’ve never seen a bus at a gas station.
Brazone : when a woman wants you to always support her, but gets rid of you the moment she is home and comfortable.
So apparently if someone invites you to dinner at their home, it’s impolite to create a negative Yelp review about it the next day.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
[on my deathbed]
Me: Where…*cough* where is your father?
Kids: *crying by my side* being consoled by your girlfriends.
Me: I’M UP!!!
I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
I’m always disappointed when I get an “animal detected” alert from my security system and it’s a mosquito on the lense and not a sasquatch in my back yard.
WIFE: we’ve be ME: er
WIFE: married so l ME: ar panels
WIFE: we com ME: puter
WIFE: each o ME: ctopus
WIFE: sen ME: ta claus
See?! THIS is why we don’t invite Elsa to the lake house in the summer….
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Hipster sushi restaurants only serve eye rolls.
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”