Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
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I want to cover you in expensive things like gasoline.
I will love you ’til the end of time, or until my blood alcohol level normalizes, whichever comes first.
Me: “Stay back! I’m an expert when it comes to karate!”
*mugger approaches*
Me: “Karate is a martial art developed on the Ryukyu Islands.”
Her: I’m pregnant
Me: WHAT?
H: Just kidding
M: You scared me half to death
H: My mom is coming to stay with us
M: *the other half dies*
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
[french restaurant]
me: do you serve frogs?waiter: no they can’t reach the table
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
MYSTERY BOMBER: i have planted a bomb in your car. if you drive under 55 it will explo-
ME: *slams on brakes*
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
My 4-year-old daughter wants anything she sees in a commercial.
Today I had to explain to her why I can’t get her Viagra.
Asking every new person I meet if they’re cake.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey.
ME: Honey!
HUSBAND: What?
ME: Yesterday was leg day and I can’t get off the toilet.
so this horse walks into a bar
I LOVE reading the wrongly worded versions of common sayings people post on the internet. I just saw a guy comment, “Don’t look a gifted horse in the mouth.” In what way is the horse gifted? With an extra shiny coat? With impressive speed? As a piano virtuoso?
Me: Still thinks I’m young and hip
Also me: Drives 30 miles in the wrong direction with my turn signal on the entire time
well, that freaky sound coming from the basement was just the pipes going wonky
of course, I didn’t have a basement this morning, so that’s a whole different problem
8-year-old: The snow is so pretty.
Me: Yeah, but it makes the roads slick.
8: Why are pretty things always dangerous?
Me: Ask your mom.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
It’s weird how the UFO’s always seem to crash in places that only the government and military have access to.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
If Kellyanne Conway is right and microwaves spy on us, the CIA has a hell of a lot of data on me reheating coffee then forgetting about it.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
I tend to be very Snow White-ish with animals, but today a squirrel threw a nut at my head
Win some, lose some
[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
Dentist: this is gonna hurt a little bit
Me: ok
Dentist: I’ve been sleeping with your mom