I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
My main motivation for staying healthy is that I hate talking to people and doctors have like so many questions
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.
marvel comics have peaked
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
[God Creating Raccoons]
God: make a panda but a trash panda, then give it a mask so that people would know it will kill them for their food
DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Day One living in a Tiny House: Well, isn’t this quaint?
Day Two: Murder
Driving in Europe vs Canada
pillsbury doughdad: [turning oven down] put a dang sweater on if you’re so cold, you naked moron
[friend consoling me through bad break up]
“You need to eat, Luke. You can’t just sit there”
*i start crying more*
Karen & I used to eat
My 13-year-old was quietly giggling as I opened my phone, and I realized he had changed the settings so the text is significantly bigger. Not sure if I’m more annoyed that he took a jab at me for being old, or that I can actually see a lot better now.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
If you are stressed and it’s making me stressed, then your desserts are also my desserts. That’s science. Now be quiet and hand me a spoon.
Barbie gone wild
BANK ROBBER: ok hands in the air. nobody move. slide to the left. slide to the right. take it back now y’all. one hop this time
Just found a best-by date of Oct 1623 on some apple juice so we probably oughta not drink that
I’m about two tissues away from shoving a tampon up my nose.
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Not to brag but my boss gave me a certificate of achievement and he said it’s much more prestigious than a pay raise.
Sorry for all the mean things I said when I was driving.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Forgot my wallet at home & filled up at the gas station so I have to leave some collateral. Not leaving my phone there so 4 year old it is.
The hardest part of making new friends is weeding out the people who just want to sell you leggings.