My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
You Might Also Like
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
I scream, you scream, this funeral just got more interesting.
ME: I shot a man in Reno just to watch him die
MY LAWYER: would you please stop saying that
One beautiful tradition in my mother’s culture is that if someone is sick,
the neighbours won’t hesitate to bring over food and help with errands,
but I can’t help but wonder when they will start getting suspicious over the fact that we’ve had the flu for 7 months now…
stand with me against insufficient seating
Dammit, phone. It’s always been ‘this’ and never ‘thus.’ I’ve got clumsy sausage fingers, not a conclusion to my dissertation.
damn boy, are you a horoscope? because i’m selectively focusing on the parts of you that make sense for me
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Lady at the farmers market selling us a hay bale to decorate our yard: just so you know, it’s going to get your car really messy
My 3yo: That’s ok because our car is already really messy
Most drug-sniffing dogs refuse to admit they have a problem
I found $100 in my pocket this morning and almost quit my job
[at interview]
INTERVIEWER: Who inspires you?
ME: Peter Piper.
INTERVIEWER: What does he do?
ME: It’s difficult to say.
people misspelling definitely as defiantly is one of my pet hates however I do like seeing a status like “defiantly getting a chinese tonight” and imagining someone booting down the door of peking garden.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
Drop it! Please, just DROP IT.
– My dog, whenever I’m eating.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
My phone got an “extreme cold” alert that said to check on the elderly, and like 5 minutes later the kids next door checked on me. Brutal.
Angel: welcome to heaven
Me: holy shit
Angel: ooh you swore get out
Devil: welcome to hell
Me: holy shit
Devil: ugh u said holy get out
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur
Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
“No more screen-time! Don’t worry about other people think of you! No snacks before dinner! Clean up this mess immediately!”
Me, parenting, while I scroll my phone to see if people liked my posts while eating Cheetos in my dirty kitchen.
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.