Incense sticks are just disappointing sparklers.
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Mom: What’s going on in there?
Me: Nothing mom, just watching women’s tennis
Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.
Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*
me: yes, i’m very sexually active and i only drink socially.
doctor: i haven’t asked you anything yet
🎶 It’s raining yen. Hallelujah, it’s raining yen
– Winners of the Japanese lottery, probably
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
i do not get doomsday preppers i’m immediately giving up i am not trying to survive nuclear winter you will not catch me doing any mad max shit i’m quitting
Can’t, holding a grudge
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
At any given time, I know more about the whereabouts of my Amazon packages than I do any member of my extended family.
In a parallel universe, a zebra is walking around her contemporary decorated house, on top of a skinned blonde chick with big hoops rug.
Home is where your toilet is.
I was buying wine at the market and the checker looked at me and said you know you have to be 21 right so we got down right there on aisle 7.
I really miss Jake. And Clyde. And Marissa. Gina too. I should stop naming my cupcakes right before I eat them. 🙁
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
The biggest mystery of our time
My girlfriend was bitten by a chicken. Now every full moon I’ll have to date a were-chicken.
If you are single, book a table for two this Valentine’s. Keep checking your watch. Order your meal for one, tearfully. Result: Free drinks!
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
I don’t hate anyone. I just don’t like people.
Her, 6: I have a secret
Me: What is it?
Her: I’m not gonna tell you… but it’s about a marker
Me: Oh no
Her: yeeeah
[sees giant spider in house]
[tells girlfriend “I got this”]
[slowly rolls up magazine]
[uses magazine as megaphone & yells out the window “SAVE US!!”]
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
When I’m fishing, I’ll use meatballs as bait because most fish are probably sick of seafood.
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
*Working at Walmart*
Lady: Hi these Thanksgiving Turkeys are a little small. Do they get any bigger?
Me: No Ma’am, they are dead
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE