Your house is not haunted, there’s a raccoon in your attic. And that is much, much worse.
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imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
not being able to fall asleep is so embarrassing. All I’m asking my brain to do is nothing and it can’t even do that?
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
I don’t drink water anymore, not after what it did to the Grand Canyon
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.
Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.
I’m a staunch supporter of something, I’m not sure what that is, yet. I just wanted to be staunch today.
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
“Hey mom can Kyle come over?”
mom: Kyle from your school or Kyle who is really bad at finishing other people’s-
[From outside] LOOFAS!
IT: I’m hanging up
Me: is it because I called it my lappy tappy
IT: *dial tone*
btw the stereotype of americans i have run into the most so far in europe is that americans work themselves to death for nothing
Husband enters vasectomy room
Nurse: You sure about this?
*I enter, wearing xmas leggings & milk stained top*
N: The dr. will be right in
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
(by @ZachWeiner )
FOOTBALL COACH: *drawing up a play using Xs and Os* ..any questions?
ME: are we the hugs or the kisses?
The best part about living during a global plague as climate collapse ravages a planet poised on the brink of world war is definitely getting up every day to make sure the spreadsheets are still spreadsheeting.
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
her: do carrots help your eyesight
me: *flicks cigarette butt* u ever seen a bunny with glasses Karen
Parenting is letting the kids fight it out over who showers first while you sneak away to take your own shower without interruption.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
My Conservative Uncle Read More Thanksgiving Argument Guides Than Me and Turned Me Racist
Me: I could totally be a bad boy… if I wanted to
Her: Please… you won’t even break the traffic laws in video games
men, throw a woman a curveball today by telling her she should smile less
I constantly see other people’s jobs they’re doing or have done and think “psshhh, I could do that better” like artists, photographers, dog walker, giraffe masseuse, water boy at a bath house, monkey tickler, Seth Greens personal high fiver, Doctor of Thuganomix.
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
Landlord just came in the office and inserted £100 in my cleavage. I would question my professional integrity but £100! Wooo hooo.
I don’t understand wishing dead celebrities happy birthday. Shoutout to Mary Queen of Scots, who would be 577 today.