Me: Oh my god, that cat is adorable! She’s the cutest kitty I’ve ever seen!
Cat: I just want to be friends.
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Don’t forget to sacrifice your own personal goals to live up to someone else’s expectations today!
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
Sure Charlie got himself a Chocolate Factory, but his grandparents got to stay in bed for 20 years so ask yourself who were the real winners
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
Can you fail a drug test from a mosquito bite?
Asking for the next person this mosquito bites.
Daughters wanted to show support for me so they wrote out, “I LOVE D!” and – adore them – but THAT’S gonna get an immediate course correction
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
Linda longed to linger longer, but the alliteration police were nearly onto her
I need a pain relieving patch that covers my whole body
Sometimes I accidentally hit “z” instead of “.” and end up sending texts like “see you laterz” like I’m a cool teen from 2003.
Why do people have guest books at their houses? Your game night is not a destination, Brenda.
Having ordered a cake from Layer’s I requested they send change for 2000/- (conversation was in Urdu). This is what was delivered!
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Reaction from my kids after explaining how sex works:
“You’ve done this THREE TIMES?”
[presents children to cashier]
I’d like to return these faulty condoms lol
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
How did we not see this back then?
Kids: *misbehaving in public*
Me: Keep it up and I’ll get my breakdancing cardboard out of the trunk.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
You say “aargh” and my reply is definitely “Aargh indeed.”
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
6 YEAR OLD RENOVATOR: So over here we’ll tear up the carpet, and obviously add a lot of furniture, as the floor will be lava.
Growing out my freckles.
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open