Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
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Megan, but with an H? Whatever you say, girls named Hmegan.
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
“Man, for some reason I’m not hungry at all today”
“It was a full moon last night – we ate a bunch of villagers”
“Ah shit, I forgot. More like unaware wolf, amirite?”
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
my mom refers to crying as “squirting” and I, oh my god…..can you tell her
Cell mate: What you are in for?
Me: foraging
Cell mate: don’t you mean forgery?
Me (with my cheeks full of nuts): huh?
Peeling onions is great because you get to cry about everything in front of your kids and blame supper.
I can’t wait when I’m old enough to blame my age on why I’m stealing batteries and cheese
s
oc
i
a
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*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
me: i’m here for stabbing lessons
clerk: sir this is a fencing clu—
me: yeah whatever hand me a knife
clerk: …
me: dress me like a beekeeper
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
[last supper]
Jesus (to Judas): so your facebook status said you were anxious? Anything u wanted to say
Judas (sweating): no not really
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
After all the books are banned they’ll move on to suggestive fruit
Sorry I thought you wanted me to divorce my husband and run away with you when you picked some fuzz off my shirt sleeve.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
I don’t do weights but my 4yo refuses to walk sometimes so yeah I lift
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Me: I want a labrador but all the pet shops are too expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
Call me old fashioned but I still drink to get drunk.
I had rando stomach pain and went “ooh,” and patted my tummy, but I guess this looked sus
My wife gave me a funny look, so I panicked and said “the baby kicked”
Not to be racist but all of my kids sound the same on the phone.
“How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?”🤔
We might appreciate window lickers more if they had squeegees for tongues.
Went to praise an animal, got stuck between saying “good girl” and “good dog”, and just quietly muttered “good god” at a spaniel