Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
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Differences between coffee and sex:
– I had coffee before and after getting married
– I can have coffee with my wife’s sister without it being a big thing
– I’ve never paid $300 to have coffee
– I am encouraged to have coffee at Starbucks
People are shy. I’m sure that’s the reason why no one ever tells me, “please continue whistling.”
Thanks to a fan for this one!
Don’t give a women flower, she may have hay fever.
Don’t give her chocolate, she may be on a diet!
Give her wifi so there’s no excuse.
friend: what day is it today
me: it’s mar 10
friend: like mario!
me: itsa mar 10
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
Print is alive and well!!!
Me: They say God gives the hardest battles to his strongest warriors.
God: I am begging you to stop fighting with people on the internet.
ME: *making tiny wigs for birds*
BALD EAGLE: finally
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
Twister but it’s just me trying to get out of bed after our son, daughter, dog, cat, 2 blankets, 5 stuffed animals and a light saber found their way into it
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
Me: *braids girl’s hair*
Girl: *turns around, terrified*
Me: The movie was boring me…
*leans back in seat*
*eats popcorn*
Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
My wife still brings up the one time in 2014 when an open bag of popcorn fell from the top kitchen cabinet and I whispered cornfetti
Me: You need to stop coming into our bed at night
7: I want to be next to you
Me: Aww that’s so swee…
7: You’re like an extra large hot water bag
Me:
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I have an extensive library of over 2,000 classic, important books just in case you have a question about the first 54 pages of one of them.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Autocorrect is why I have crust issues.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
(filming reality TV show)
him: we’re out here looking for Bigfoot
me: so a guy with just one foot?
him: no, an ape-type creature
me: gotcha. a big hairy guy. with one foot
him: he has 2 feet
me: why isn’t he called BigFeet then?
him: get out
the new york sewer rats have finally elected a new rat pope
It’s cute how people just rudely walk in front of my car like they don’t realize I’ll hit them and blame it on being an Asian driver.
I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.